We write a billion words the same.

Okay so is it just me or has everyone started writing blog's recently? I started writing a blog a couple of months ago because I enjoy writing, I have things that I want to tell and writing them down always makes me feel much better. But c'mon.. Today I read a blog from a chav? Yes the 'Jezza Kyle' type are writing to! Since when was writing that kinda people's thing? I thought it was all 'weed and knifes?' Don't get me wrong I have nothing against 'chavs' and I really wouldn't mind who wrote blog's but really, when its about 'merkin' people (whatever that means) and simply not talking about anything remotely interesting, just simply calling each other 'sick men' - which is apparently a good thing? I really don't see the point? Following the heard and being a sheep, is the real reason your writing a blog. Because your friend is.. because that girl in your biology class is, because that person you most want to be like is. It doesn't matter what you write about as long as a few words are typed correctly. Actually fuck grammar altogether. "2day me nd smithy wnt 2 twn was mad mandem!!! got caut nickin a packat of s&v crisps. we ran away innit." Extremely genius. Not to mention the great advice about what to do if you ever get caught stealing salt and vinegar flavoured food. Brilliant.

I know it shouldn't but it really winds me up. I really don't know why but I find it incredibly irritating. Also something else that I find incredibly irritating.. when you write a blog, it takes you quite a while to write it and you put good thought in to what you put on the page, and when your eventually satisfied with it, been through the entire thing 100 times, lots of backspacing and pressing of the delete button, your eventually safe from spelling errors and incorrect grammar. 'Publish post'. BAM. One day later a blog from another 'blogger' which is incredibly and remotely similar to yours, and I mean extremely similar. Sometimes even a similar picture if your lucky?

Lets all write about the same things shall we? Lets all do the same things, and be the same people? No thank you. Lets be ourselves, let who you are, what you are and what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, and every piece of work you do. I would much prefer the world that way. Yes please and many thanks.

A step in the right direction.

So the days are getting closer and the nerves are building.. three days and what I have been wishing for, for so long will be here. A fresh start! A spark of excitement in my 'same old' life.
I didn't think starting new would be this scary, and the sick feeling wont seem to go away (maybe that's my hangover from the weekend?) but anyway..  I thought it would be easy, and I would glide in with my head up high and a confident look on my face. But as the days are getting closer I am thinking hell no to that, and thinking that I am going to be shuffling in on my first day of sixth form with my head in my hands and a timed look on my face. Ill most probably be the one who scatters quickly in to the bathroom at lunch, and eats her lunch in the cubicle on her own. One foot fast pacing in front of the other, and quickly ignoring the sketchy looks. Great. But I have cleverly come to the conclusion that if everyone hates me and I do have to eat my lunch in the toilet on my own, I will get awesome grades, as friends wont be a distraction! Genius idea Jennie, genius! Win win situation really? So anyway.. The day is fast approaching, and I think that I am prepared. Well with clothes and all that jazz. Choosing something to wear every single day is going to be a task in itself now isn't it. First outfit.. too lesbian librarian, second outfit.. too plane Jane, third outfit.. wow, I didn't realise how big my hips were. Forth, fifth, and sixth. Done it all before, nothing seems right and I again try on the first outfit that I had tried on in the first place, and it now seems the best option. Lesbian librarian it is today, so ill set of out of my bedroom door with my wardrobe now a state, and most probably spill my cereal down my chin and on to my top, or drop my toast butter side down on to my freshly washed skirt. Just my luck?
I am sure ill be the one tripping up, dropping my books, getting rained on and definitely getting pooped on by birds.. or my luck even larger animals.. I wonder what this 'sure to be eventful' day will hold.. But I know that this change is definitely a step in the right direction, whatever the outcome..

Heavy eyes.

After a night of an incredible amount of alcohol, naked bodies, wrestling for beds, tickle fights that end in injuries, beer pong, bruised heads from pull up bars (silly idea), and a walk home at half 7 in the morning, after absolutely no sleep at all and freezing to death. I can now safely and officially say that I am incredibly hungover. My head is throbbing and my eyes are tired. My eyes now closing and shutting down on me. 2 nights in a row, never again. With less than 3 hours sleep this morning, I think that I am in need of a nap. My new boots survived the night (kind of). If you forget about the beer being pored in the left one, and the slippery (no grip) bottom of them making me slip down the damn stairs. Smooth Jennie smooth...  Now with a carpet burnt elbow and hands, I regret wearing my silly (but hot) boots! Beer pong with no ping pong ball, just bottle caps and extremely warm beer. Only a good idea when already slaughtered, and no longer caring any more. Incredible amounts of body hair, to the extent where I didn't think it was possible, and the front garden now being the new quick and easy toilet. I think ill pass, and take those dreaded stairs (again). Why is it that half frozen pizza's taste so good in this drunken state? I don't care but it's going down. After being pushed of the sofa and giving up with crunching my body in to (another) uncomfortable position, just to fit on.. and the most irritating snoring you have ever heard in your life, (almost like a whistle of a farm animal.. whatever that would sound like?) I give up on sleep, and get up. No sleep and my eyes are heavy it half 6 and time to make the dreaded walk of shame home.. People getting up for work, driving past in their cars, they shoot devil stares our way. I just think of bed. Hitting the sheets its like heaven to my body. Out like a light. A flick of a switch, and I am dead to the world. I now regret waking up, and my beds calling me back. A paracetamol and a can of coke should do the trick! Nap time..

When pointing your finger at someone, remember that four of them are pointing straight back at you.

You think that something has gone, and it takes you time to get over it. Your emotions are back to normall and your finally getting back on track. One thing that can happen and it takes you back. Suddenly something that used to mean everything. Now means absolutely nothing. Your realising that again, but now really for certain. Tears fell and smiles turned to frowns. You think things will never get better but they do. But do these smiles to frown's allways come back to haunt us? I think so.. maybe it's just unfinished business? I don't know, but it never fails to turn my smile to a frown and let a tear drop from my eye. Maybe I am just overtired, and care way to much. But is it worth throwing this all down the drain? Throwing your entire past down the drain.. I don't know. I really don't. It hurts, and you wind me up. Your no bigger than me, so stop playing that way. Or on the other hand. Throwing what down the drain? there is no longer anything there to throw down the drain. I had never forgotten. I still care. I still carry feelings. Maybe you just forgot. Maybe you were just too busy, I guess it just slipped your mind, like my entire past will. Now go run and tell your friends how you messed with a mind. Made tears fall, and crushed a hundred memories. You play the game, and I can play it back.

The ending of something small, and the beginning of something big.

I have recently realised, that when things come to a great low.. and you think that things cant get any worse, you just cant handle any more. You  feel like just giving in completely. That is really when things start improving, when things really do start getting better. The sun peaks from behind the clouds, and the rain really does stop falling.
I believe that good things have to end eventually, so new ones can start. We have to be strong and pick ourselves up. We have to fail at some things, so that we can improve at others, and dealing with the ups and downs is just a way of life. A bump we have to take in our stride. These bumps are what makes us as individuals stronger. Being a strong person is what helps us succeed at life.

Every time I come across a bad patch in my life, afterwards somewhere along the line, I know I will be smiling again soon. I just have to take the path I believe is right to bring me out the other end. The happy end. I'm not saying it doesn't take time, and I'm not saying these bad things don't hurt. Because they do.. Life can be hard, and some things that life throws at us can rip our hearts out. But in the end you have to remember their will always be something, or someone waiting for you to bring that smile to your face. Whether it's fortune, love, music, family, friends. Even the little things like a good book, a funny movie, someone's corny jokes, a bad chat up line, even something simple like getting caught in the rain with an old friend. (Possibly if your lucky enough even catch a complete stranger picking his nose, that's always quite amusing!) We all have to laugh and smile, eventually... Happiness always returns. Trust me!

When happiness returns it's amazing, happiness only gets better and more exciting with age. Happiness gets stronger and it means more to you, making you really appreciate it more. Smiles, laughter. It's contagious. We all catch it. We all want and need it, it's really what keeps us all going.. Sometimes you just have to be prepared to let in happiness. Don't be afraid and don't hold back. It will just delay those smiles. As long as it takes, (and I must admit, sometimes it takes more than a few downs to get an up..) They do come, they really do.
Remember everyone feels the effects of life, these bumps in the road, so share your joy, even if it's a single smile. That one smile might make someone's day. :)

Dream Big...

So my alarm rung this morning, it wasn't one of those where you painfully try to open your eyes to click the snooze button. It was one of those where your already awake, but just waiting for the alarm to ring to actually get up. (I still have 3 minutes left in bed, and i will use that time dearly!). So when the clock reached 9.00 I jumped striaght out of bed and started getting ready. Excitment and nerves kicked in and i started getting a little rumbeling feeling in my stomach.( Nerves maybe, but probably just because I needed breakfast.) But I did get that butterflies feeling. I was recieving my exam results this morning and I was utterly and truely. Shitting it. I now had no other worries but this one. Everything else was blanked out and this was my head goal. I rushed to get ready, gobbled my cereal down and set of in the car to get them! Thoughts rushing through my head about what I would do if I didn't received the grades that I wanted and needed. I had now began to panic and the 5 minute car journey seemed to last forever. When we finally arrived there were already people waiting outside, and I sneakily scattered to the front of the queue just in time, for the head to tell us they were ready for us to go through. My heart was beating faster than ever. Everyone's faces filled with worry, and nervous smiles. Heading towards the door...

 I made my way to that very important envelope. The teacher handed it to me with a smile on her face "good luck" she told me. I smiled politely. Opening it I could see my hands shacking uncontrollably. I took a deep breath and pulled the crisp white sheet of paper, out of the brown envelope.. My lips began to widen as my eyes rolled down the page, joy was projected all over my face and I turned around to flash a huge smile at my parents, I rushed over to them, to show them what I had achieved and those 5 words all daughters and sons want to hear from there parents on results day came to my ears. 'I am proud of you' Just to hear them say that made my heart beat twice as fast. My face was glowing with happiness, and it made me feel that what I had achieved over the last two years, and all the work that I had put in had been worth it! I achieved much greater than I had ever once thought I could. I'm extremely proud of myself.

I know what I want in the future now, and that is my set goal. From now on that is my focus. I am going to put my education first, and make sure that I achieve what I want from life, and get to places that I want to get to. Their are no limits to what we can achieve. Dream big. :)

Head Fuck.

Tossing and turning in bed last night, after possibly the worst night in forever.. My night just seems to keep getting worse. One thing can make an awful night in to a incredibly dreadful night. Tonight it's not only one thing it's everything, bundled and wrapped up in to one. My feet ache, and my head hurts, thoughts running through my head, and I just cant seem to budge them. I really think that in this 'bed state' I just over think things when I shouldn't, and possibly care way to much about things that I shouldn't. But I just cant help it.. I sit up in bed strolling through hundreds of texts, trying to make myself sleepy, reading the same ones over and over again, at early hours of the morning...(The sleepiness doesn't kick in...The bright light of my phone, just makes me even more awake.) Why is this? Why cant I god damn sleep. The good thoughts now seem so far away, and the bad ones just seem to hurl them selves in your face. There is no escaping. Hundreds of thoughts keeping me awake. Running through my head. Give me a rest. So much worry, and I really don't know why? Why is it that when your in bed, all you do is think, over analyse everything, and make yourself feel really quite stupid. As I finally fall asleep, I have not yet received the worst... My dreams now turn to head fucks and every hour I awake, too remember the head fuck so very clearly, and again fall asleep and fall back in to another one. I awake in the morning to a loud and incredibly annoying vibration sound in my ear. Ignoring it just seems to make it hurt my head more. I'm up. And again those thoughts come running back. My head throbs and I need peace of mind. I must get out of bed so I don't think in my 'bed state'. Lets keep myself busy. Here comes another day..