brand new

So its been a while, possibly far to long. I haven't wrote from the top of my head in many, many months.. and here I am. I don't imagine anyone will be reading this any more but here it goes...

So my life has changed, not to much. But a little. Things are getting exciting for me now and im actually beginning to feel like an grown up. My hairs changed a little and maybe im a little taller but I sure don't feel old enough to be treated like one, but (apparently) I am so there we go. Ill be moving out next September. Packing up all my belongings and leaving the house which I have lived in for fifteen years. The scary part is my family wont be coming with me. Ill be moving in to an apartment of my own with fellow 'students' in which I may indeed have to put up with for a full year. Im hoping for the best. What I mean by this is, that I'm hoping not to be thrown in a gritty dorm, with ex heroin addicts and people who spend their entire student loan on dinosaur suits to wear to their lectures (yes. this could possibly happen!). Yep, you got it, I'm heading off to university.. well im hoping I am, ill keep you updated when I actually receive my results! 

This past year has been an eventful one, not to many changes but exciting steps to positive places, exciting steps to the future. My birthdays coming up and I just cant get my head around the fact that I will be eighteen. Yes me, eighteen! Since when!? Since when indeed! Well it has indeed finally come around and I have sadly enough been thinking...why have I been wishing my life away all these years? Everyone wants to be eighteen of course. But those precious years the most innocent years of your life you will never get back. Things seem to get harder and there are more things on your mind, more issues to worry about. More work to complete. Here is when you need to set your priorities. What really is important, what do you want to keep and what can be thrown away, what are you prepared to let go of and what are you going to put your whole self in to. Steps to the future can be painful steps I wont lie, but taking the hard path can lead you to an amazing future and that's really what I want.

I feel that every step I have chosen has brought me to be where I am right now, and that's a happy place. Ill be studying English and Creative writing next year hopefully in a big city. Somewhere new and exciting somewhere big enough to allow my creativity to flood and expand. Taking risks and exploring new challenges,  I've been waiting for this moment for my whole life and I cant wait for it to come. But for now I must enjoy the moment, make the most of my last year in my childhood home where my ma and pa still make my bed and cook me my dinner. I must enjoy the silly things that we can only do as a children, before that time runs out.  I for certain will not be wishing my life away just yet. 

starting fresh

December the thirty first. We may be saying goodbye to the last year and hello to a new one, starting fresh (as we say.) But the real question is, do we ever really start fresh? Dont we all end up making the same mistakes as we did last year? Eating to much and putting on weight, 'ill go on a diet in the new year' only to be indulging in to many takeaways by the end of February. Falling for idiotic guys over and over, 'ill never date a player again' only to end up chasing after another one who's strung you along. starting up smoking for the billionth time. Biting your nails down to the brim. Letting those old cups and plates rot in your room until anyone but you gives it a clean. Leaving all your work to the last minute. Hating people for no reason. Being a constant liar. C'mon we all have faults, things we want to change.. and we all wait till the clock strikes twelve on new years day to change them.. only to go running back to our old self a few weeks later. Starting fresh can only happen with 5 things.. 1. Fresh head- thinking differently, saying yes to things that you would normally say no too.. or in another case learning to say no!  2. Fresh surroundings- going somewhere you would never have normally thought of going, who knows you might even enjoy it, not to mention the new people you'l meet. 3. Fresh memories- throw away them old pictures of your ex boyfriend and erase those sad songs from your ipod, lets face it... no one likes a crier. 4. Fresh look- be risky, try something you haven't ever thought of wearing or even change your hair style. and 5... Dont forget to still be yourself, c'mon you cant totally leave the old you behind. Fresh start and a fresh year stick with what you truly want to change, it may be hard.. but if you want something that bad im sure you'l find a way to deal with the urges... Happy new year bloggers, hope your livers survive the evening!

Every word stuck in my head for a lifetime.

Okay so no family is perfect. I have learnt this with time. I don't get it, we all put a front on, making ourself out to be the perfect family. But within those 4 tall walls of what we call a home, there is no sign of perfection. We don't tell lies we just avoid the truth and hope for the best. A perfect family is in-existent in this world where media floods through our life's and technology makes the hardest things possible to the dumbest of creatures. You just have to wipe your tracks clean to make sure no one follows.
There is only so much you can take of someone and spending your entire life suffocating within those same surroundings can take its turn. okay so we know each other inside out, I know your motives and you know mine. We spit words at one another that do not mean a thing, because we know we will love each other tomorrow, and that's what we call a family.. isn't it?
Ill remember that one thing you said a week ago maybe it was a month ago.. maybe even a year I cant quite remember but those words stuck well. Those words are stuck in my head clearer than it was whispered yesterday, because I know in the moment it made sense to you, and now when my head has cleared I now fully understand too. Those words hurt now more than they did then and they will stick in my head for a lifetime. We will go on and love each other tomorrow, pretending those words didn't mean a thing. Is that okay with you?

It's been a while...

Time has past and things have changed. Enough of the childish fights and tantrums, hideous stairs and finally now these immature debates are over. A weight has been lifted of my shoulders and I can finally breathe. For all these years it feels as if all these tiny bickers have been leading up to this one point, and boom a huge catastrophe. But I have given it time and let things die down..It's been a while hasn't it. and.. well I miss you. Maybe I miss those childish fights because the time we had amongst them were times that I will never forget. We are older now, but im feeling younger than I ever had being the one to let a friendship like yours slip away.

Your face is unrecognisable.

We are a pair. There is me and you, and you and me. Im holding on to that one little thing and I think you are to. It's always been us and its hard to believe this isn't you any more. Im holding on to who you used to be. Not the new you. Things change over time, as people get older and time moves on. We move on, and realisation kicks in. Your face is now unrecognisable to me. A face that was once as recognisable as my own, is now a distant shadow in the past. A memory that I try to hold on to but is being taken from my grasp. Busy schedules over load our life's and we are no longer a part of one another's and a day I would originally be excited for, I now dread. I do to my part to keep away. I take a different turning. Look another direction or Turn the other way. Something that used to come so naturally between us now seems the hardest thing in the world. The words im searching for are words blocked from escaping from my head, and we cant forgive each other like we could yesterday. The days are passing and the Gap between us is widening, and I still cant find those words. A step to the future is a step away from the past. It's just debating whether you want the future, or the past. I need to grow up and be brave enough to take that step. 

To many words for one day.. Or to many for a life time.

I haven't posted in a while, so im sorry if anyone still making the effort to read this... Studying is smuggling all of my attention right now, I have just finished writing a 500 word essay and now on to write a 1500 word one.. brilliant. Typing, writing, drawing, mostly doodling on the side of my book. Im back in to the whole school thing and im taking things seriously. Things seem hard, and I sat in the exam hall with butterflies in my stomach waiting for the test to start. This test was pointless it does not matter if I pass or fail it's just for predicted grades, basically an IQ test.. but im not gona lie.. I reckon I guessed about 85% of that paper (and im not even kidding.) oh B hasn't come up in a while.. ill scribble that stupid little box in. Jennie Storey IQ- 4.
Cant wait for those results!.. or not. So I didn't realise how much I had actually missed writing.. not writing what the teachers saying or writing what's in the person book to your right. But writing what your feeling, letting things out. I have missed it. That's quite sad for me to admit that really but I have..I love writing and I have only just realised how much.
So anyway.. I really feel as if im progressing in life at the moment I feel as if im say, 'biting the bullet' more.. talking to more people not being afraid to say what's on my mind, and being my own person.. and we all know how hard that can be when meeting new people. But it's become easier than I had once thought. I feel as if since going to sixth form I have already become a better painter and become more confident through drama. Im learning skills everyday that will help me progress in further life. Although I unfortunately made a mistake of quitting my job.. which leaves me with no (much needed) money! Darrrn. So the hunt for a job will continue! After now writing another 200 words, I have decided against writing that 1500 word essay this evening. I think it's time to hit the sheets before my words start to look like upside numbers and arrows, and also possibly Roman numerals. To many words for one day..

I thought a thought, but the thought I thought, wasn't the thought, that I thought I thought?

So every since I got that fresh start that I had been asking for, I have just been feeling like there is something missing.. I do not know what. I just cant put my finger on it. But something is definitely missing. Things are different yes. But was that really what I wanted? Change? Maybe there isn't something missing, maybe it's just me missing the past. I really don't know. I keep persuading myself that it's just the sudden change, and it might be? Maybe all this changing schools has flustered me and kicked out the norm? I just don't know.. But I think it's time to forget about what's missing, and maybe now think about what's actually there, right in front of me. Focus on that.. Not that I know what that is yet, but ill figure it out soon.
Enough about the confusion, and on to the school.. So it's gigantic, and I mean huge! I have lost count, how many times that I have gotten lost and had to be pointed in the right direction.. then turned up to class late embarrassed and flustered. Great start. Everyone's lovely, no evil looks or snide comments.. maybe that's what's missing.. (pfffft yeah right!). No really everyone's been incredibly welcoming, what really helps. Most of my teachers have boring one tone voices that echo through your ears, in a huge drone. So when I have drama it's a relief, my teacher is mad. Her hair is big and wavy, just like her personality.. Her face is old a few wrinkles here and there, but she's a pretty woman and she's acts as if she is our age. I love it! She makes the whole class brighten up and automatically feel enthusiastic about work. (yes work) not like my so called art teacher..  Gosh that class is a drone and you could here a pin drop in that classroom.
The actual house the sixth formers study in is incredible, it's almost like a castle.. There are paintings on the walls from a hundred years ago, the staircases almost look like they are about to get up and change direction, just like they do in Harry Potter. I keep pressing the walls looking for secret doorways, and staring at the pictures waiting to catch out one of the people in the paintings, and see them blink! So all's new and dandy and apart from the tip toeing around the art room, the boring droning of the teachers and that thing that I cant quite put my finger on, all is good and I hope for things to keep improving.. and maybe ill catch one of those blinkers on the walls if I keep my eyes out.